Outsmarted by a Horse

Drove into the my usual parking spot at the barn today, next to the large skeletal shed that hold Trina's excess hay and right across from my trailer. As I drove in I saw a paint horse happily munching on hay. This should not seem unusual, a horse eating hay at a barn. However, as I took a double take I thought, that horse looks a lot like Mac. Mac is one of 8 stallions currently out at the barn. He is a small paint with deep coffee colored patches all over his body. I've nick-named him Chipmunk because he has abnormally large cheek bones.

 'But,' I think to myself, 'there is no way that Mac could be over there gorging himself on hay.' Of course I go over to check once I get out of the car and sure enough its Mac, and he looks up at me from under his long wavy forelock and he knows immediately that I'm there to take him away from his feast of crunchy green alfalfa.

Mac is a very clever horse, and it does not take him long to realize that his pile of hay is actually more of an island of hay. So he nimbly dances his way around the hay always keeping it between us.  This allows him to avoid me, continue snatching small bits of hay and keep his eyes on me.

"Oh your clever," I say.

He doesn't even bother to acknowledge me.

I must admit, I was slightly nervous trying to catch Mac, I've never worked with a stallion, but I've seen several, and I've noticed all stallions have three common traits; hypnotizing beauty, effortless power, and they all tend to be unpredictable.  We dance around each other till I find an incredibly green morsel of hay that he can't live without.  I slip my lead rope into his halter,  expecting him to toss his head, laugh at me, rear and break the lead rope in half. But he just blows a gust of air through his lips, as if to say "oh please, I can be a gentleman when I want to be."

The first time I saw Mac he was racing around in the indoor arena at the end of a lunge line. I watched him rear and break the thick piece of rope as if it was nothing more than a piece of thread. I have heard him scream when he is excited, it rings over the barn, echoes in every corner. He may be a small horse but he holds himself like a king.

Mac lets me lead him back to his stall, he does not tug on the lead rope, or fight me. He acts docile and even lets me rub his head before I turn him loose in his stall.

After that I went and collected Twilight and took her back to the trailer, I brushed her coat which was covered in mud from rolling in the rain. We saddled up and the went and waited by Stephanie and Mike.

Stephanie is a loud woman, if she has an opinion about anything you'll know, but she also has a big heart. Mike is older and quite, he is called the horse whisperer behind his back. He just has an affinity with horse they are drawn to him eager to please. Even Twilight does not shy away as he reaches out to stroke her face. We are waiting for another stallion, one of the wild Arabian stallions to make an appearance. While we wait we chat about horses and look at the approaching clouds, they are the  same color as the ocean on the Oregon coast on an overcast day. Streaks of white in the steely blue clouds look like waves breaking.

Finally out come one of the black stallions, and he puts on a show trumpeting and trotting in dainty fast circles as he walks.

Its ironic, this stallion is smaller than Mac, but it takes two men to lead him, and just a few moments ago I was leading Mac all by myself.

Twilight is excited and we had a very challenging ride, she fighting to keep her head cocked up and alert, and trying to break into a choppy canter. Her hooves were trimmed to short, and that pains her a bit so her movements are sometimes clumsy, but she's getting better. We work till her long coat is foaming in places then I give her one of her Christmas presents a nature valley bar and let her go.

Stephanie rides by on Lightening, who I've ridden once (when Twilight was missing a shoe). He is five years old is a dark velvety black. He had some problems with his back hip so his training was started late. He is green and unruly, he loves to test his riders. but his canter is like riding on the clouds its absolutely effortless. I love him, and Stephanie knows it. She tells me before I leave as I'm standing there rubbing his elegant head, " I'm saving him for you, you know."

It was windy today. When I zipped up my coat over my sweater some of the wind was trapped inside, it felt cold and seemed to wriggle against my chest like a snake.
It was cold, but I didn't mind it blew at Twilight and I as we rode, I felt as if we were a sail boat on the sea being harried by the wind. It whipped away words, tangled in my hair and Twilight's mane, but it also seemed to blow the bitterness and turmoil right out of my mind. It was fierce, it was a challenge that allowed me to escape for a while.Twilight seemed unsure when she first saw me coming out to get her, which is unusual

 Lately she's come to greet me in the pasture, walking towards me as I go to her, ears perked and her warm brown eyes searching for a treat.

Today she kept her distance, till I rubbed her around the ears, then her amber eyes seemed to smile (as much as a horse can smile) and she walked closer to me.

We fought the wind to day, on the south side of the arena the wind was at our backs, but as soon as we made the turn, we were against the wind and it howled and rushed at us.

It shoved the clouds across the sky, dark grey winter clouds, we watch a plane a tiny fleck of chrome against the rushing clouds cut across the horizon.

Even though the wind blew hard the sun still shown highlighting the pale fragile gold of the long grasses around us, stirring up dust so that as we looked over the expanse the ground began to blur. We watched two cowboys on horseback riding so close together that they seemed as one instead of four driving their cattle in. Because of the dust, they were dark silhouettes against the glimmering barbed wire fence.

Winter seems to be kept at bay by a thread, it feels like it could swoop down on us at any time, but it hasn't yet.

 I've caught Twilight napping in her pasture, soaking up the sun with other horses.

Twilight lost a shoe, so most of our time together this week has involved playing. I've let her run around the arena, and buck and play and snort and goad me into trying to catch her.

I've worked on riding her with only the halter and lead rope to guide us, trying to focus on reading her body language and find ways to help her  understand what I'm asking without relying on the reins. I honestly don't know what I would do without my wild black lassie!

Night Ride

Riding at night is magical, I think its as close as I can get to falling into one of my favorite fairy tales. The heavy steps of my horse on the ice, the steam rising from her warm coat. Looking out from the warmth of the barn to the glittering expanse of stars just outside the door.
Every creak, every groan of the building sends shivers down my spine, the wind moans and weaves through the cracks stirring what little dust is not frozen to the ground.
I can sit with my palm pressed to Twilight's hot neck, let her breathing slow and just listen to the sounds of winter.

Licks and Kisses

Don't mistake these as signs of Twilight's affection, she still doesn't like most the people she meets.

First Taste of Fall

Fall was in the wind today, it was crisp, cut through the heat of the sun and brought nostalgic thoughts of pumpkins round and cold, leaves with colors burning under a layer of crystal frost. It ruffled Twilight's thickening coat, stirring the rich dark color.

I could smell everything, as I cantered Twilight in the arena the wind brought me the tang of sweet water from the hose Mike was using to fill up his horses' water troughs. I could smell the warm ferment hay scent of manure, Twilight's body warm and salty with sweat.
The fall wind swept through the air making everything clear, I felt like I could see forever, dust devils swirling by the rock quarry, the sage brush with its deep yellow tips like torches spread for miles in every direction, the slender stems of sunflowers bowing and swaying in crowds along the winking barbwire fence.

Twilight was excited by the wind, she fought my hand and the bit, but moved fluidly, she kept her head and ears perked, tail arched, she could smell the change, feel it in her body.

I gave her the last bath of the season, and her coat gleamed, and reflected red and orange. I braided her hair, in celebration, to welcome fall, to welcome the change.

Shifting the Center of My World (Past)

I don't remember how I decided to move to Trina's, it wasn't the first place I looked. Originally I wanted to move back to Pierce Park but, the boarding cost was about the same as Gretchen's around 300 a month. I couldn't afford it, my parents couldn't afford it, the economy was still hanging over our heads, running a cold finger down our spine with ever penny we spent on luxuries, such as owning a horse.
I had met Trina once before, during on of the periods of time when Gretchen had been nomadic and had not been teaching lessons my mother had suggested we try a new instructor. I was opposed from the beginning.
Trina was not a woman who took time to let you feel your horse, to find some sort of connection, riding was a business for her, technical, physical, straight forward. I felt like a fool, I had never learned technical names for actions on a horse. When Trina asked if I new my diagonals, I started guiding the twenty year old plug horse she had me riding across the arena, she explained very slowly and firmly that diagonals was following the outside shoulder of the horse while posting, rising as the shoulder extended and sitting as the horse brought their shoulder back in. I was in tears by the end of the lesson, but firmly set in believing that I would never leave Gretchen again.
And here I was almost two years later, leaving and going back to the woman I had decided to never see again.
I told Gretchen and Risa I was leaving, because I could not afford the price of boarding. I lied and said my parents were not helping me pay for boarding, which was not true, they were paying but, the price was still to much. I couldn't take the bitter chill I felt at the barn, the loss of companionship.
As horrible as it sounded, I didn't mind leaving Gretchen at that time, I was mad at her for proving to be a fickle as my mother had always claimed she was. For being human and putting her own financial/ lively hood before our friendship, our bond of struggling with depression, of struggling with life in the past was not as powerful as the present need to survive. We were now both human, I was running away from the pain and using money as my legitimate excuse.
I was going to miss Mateo, I could picture him screaming as I took his mother away. The hate he would feel for me, the panic in his throat as Twilight was led away. I could imagine him calling after her for days, till his voice gave out, refusing to eat till he was gaunt. . .that was almost to much to bare.
I was leaving anyway.
I called up Trina, I don't think she remembered me, I hope she didn't remember the tearful stubborn girl she'd given a lesson  to. I told her I had a skinny horse that needed a lot of food, and that my horse was currently a pasture  horse. She replied in her gruff matter-o-fact voice that she had space in a pasture called the 'skinny horse pasture' for horses who needed more food than the rest, and that boarding was 140 dollars a month. She would also come collect Twilight for free. I just needed to provide Twilight's medical records. I went to Gretchen and collected a paper sparsely filled with a small record of vaccines, and de-worming since Twilight's arrival at Bishops.
Then we set a date, December 1st Trina would come and collect Twilight, and I would leave the only riding teacher I'd ever had since my move to Boise. It was ironic, I'd moved to Boise in December, and now I was moving the center of my life again.
**************************************************************
"I want to give Gretchen a Christmas present," I said suddenly, it surprised me and mother. We stopped and looked at each other, we were in the middle of some sort of preparation to leave, grabbing our coats or some other pointless thing. "Okay," she said perplexed.
I don't know what compelled me to decide to give Gretchen a gift but, it felt right. I could feel the rock of ice that had been in my stomach slowly begin to melt.
We filled a bag with random things we found in the closet, I could tell my mother was still mad at Gretchen, by the way things were dropped in the bag. A CD of Christmas songs, a scented candle, they were shallow, stereotypical, and meaningless. I couldn't let this bag be the only thing I gave her. This was the end of Gretchen and I, this would be the last time I saw her, a candle wouldn't remind her of me, christian songs were not me or her for that matter.
I went into my room and stared long and hard at my wooden box of jewelry, I could see it, a purple beaded bracelet with Navajo designs. It was Gretchen, it was old, and worn, but mystical. I loved that bracelet, it had been my great grandmother's, who had passed away that year. I had other mementos of my great grandmother, but I didn't know if it was right for me to give it away, but I wanted to, I snuck the bracelet into my pocket, took the bag from my mother and went and met my dad at his truck.
It was snowing, large flakes that had already coated the roads, everything was in shades of white and grey.
I directed my father to Gretchen's house, a place I'd only been twice before, we got there just as Gretchen did.
I had not expected to see Gretchen, I'd thought I would just leave my gift on her door step and be gone, silent and uneventful. But now we were looking at each other, and no words were coming, and the snow was falling and I could feel the rock in my chest beginning to freeze again.
Luckily Claire was there to break the silence between us, Gretchen's new carmel colored Great Dane puppy. She yapped and licked at the window, and Gretchen broke eye contact with me to open the door and explain, "This is Claire, a new friend for Derek. . .I have a cat to."
She invited me in, my dad stayed in the car, and I met the little cat who I remembered from the vet's when I worked with Gretchen. With the puppy frolicking about, and the warm grey cat with luminescent yellow eyes curling in between our legs, it almost became easy to talk.
"I move Twilight today," I said
"I know,"
"I just wanted to come and say goodbye, and to give you this." I suddenly felt awkward, and quickly handed the gift over, after slipping the bracelet from my pocket and plopping it in the bag. "Merry Christmas." I added weakly.
Her arthritic hand found the candle, the Cd in quick succession, she lifted them out and set them on the counter, they appeared as worthless to her as they did to me. Then her hand closed on the bracelet, and she brought it out, her wrinkled lips began to tremble, and she looked at me, truly looked at me for the first time in months. I could feel my own eyes threatening to spill over. "I'll see you again," Gretchen suddenly gushed, "I know I will, you'll check back in with me as you improve, as you go places. . ."
We were still wandering down different paths, but now we were no longer strangers.

A Day for Remembering

Today marks a decade since 9/11, I was eight years old when it happened. I can still remember the confusion of the day, the tearful eyes of teachers, the graveness of my parents. The way the whole country seemed tense and hold its breath, followed by a wave of outrage but, none of it really effected me. The collapse of the Twin Towers was something that I watched, like a snow globe, I could see it all happening, but all the debris, sorrow, and shock from the tragedy only hit a wall of glass.
Twilight changed 9/11 for me. I remember when I was talking to Gretchen about purchasing Twilight, I'd asked about Twilight's history, I wanted to know all I could about her past. I was leaning against the stacks of alfalfa in the barn, the twigs of grass pressing through my shirt, when Gretchen told me that Twilight had been owned by a 9/11 victim. But somehow in all the turmoil that followed between Gretchen and I after that discussion I forgot this detail.
It wasn't till years later when I gained the courage and gut to tracked down the dentist and inquire further about Twilight's past that I was reminded, he told me that the woman he purchased Twilight from had gotten her from the family of the victim.
It hit home that time, I had a connection to the event. Out of the 3,000 people who where killed there was one  girl or woman who owned my future horse, had loved Twilight, probably seen Twilight's birth, or owned her since birth since Twilight would have been one year old when she died.  That one person never got the chance to ride her horse, and that is heart wrenching for me to contemplate.
I imagine how different my life, Twilight's life may have been had September 11th not occurred, its possible I would not own Twilight, she could still be with her first owner, she could of never gone through the neglect under the dentist care.
I am grateful though, to own Twilight, I am honored to have a connection to 9/11 that made the event more than just a tragedy in a snow globe, but something real that I could feel, a fiber connecting me to the event.
I went out to the barn today, to ride Twilight to remember how  fortunate I am to have her, to remember how much she has changed and affected my life. It was beautiful at the barn, I don't know that I can accurately describe how perfect it was, but I can show pictures.

There was a storm gathering in the north east, and it caused a wind to come sweeping through the heat and give us all a chance to breath. It smelled like rain and sagebrush. The occasional speckle of rain would drop on my cheek, it felt like a kiss. Because of the grey in the sky, the fields around the barn were swollen with color, the brush was  a brilliant hue of green that glowed as if sunlight was snared in the branches. The grass was golden and wove and tangled with the wind. 

I went out into Twilight's pasture and brought her in just as she finished dinner, I wrapped my arm around her thick neck and enjoyed the solidness of the touch, the warmth of her sleek fur. She did not back away from my touch. I lunged her in the square arena, something we had not done for a while. I chased her in the wind and she took the challenge with easy, breaking into a hard pounding run just for the sheer wildness of it.

After we ran around for a while I groomed her and we both enjoyed it, there was no rush, the breeze kept us cool. I rode in a western saddle and later bareback, I ignored the technical aspects of riding, I just took pleasure in the ride, as did Twilight. We galloped in the square arena with the wind howling at us, and trotted together in a slow relaxed rhythm. With the beauty of the world around us, at that moment I almost felt like we were riding in some version of heaven, and maybe we were.  



A New Wanderer (Past)

I'd hoped that the tension would evaporate between Gretchen, Risa and I, but as winter took the barn in full force, and the snow froze on the roof, and the horses' warm breath crystallized on their whiskers so did the bitter anger between us, a rift had been made with sharp jagged edges, that stung.
I didn't mind the cold shoulder Risa gave me, I didn't know her well enough to really care about her opinion. What hurt was the control she had over Gretchen, Risa was supporting Gretchen, her expenses, the ever growing vet bills of Mark, the hay for her horses.
We were at a stale mate, Gretchen and I hardly spoke to each other, only when it was necessary about little things. But there were moments when her blue eyes would meet my green ones, and we'd see the parts of ourselves that were similar, our shared pain, but also the hurt we had inflicted on each other, we spoke volumes in that moment, but then turn away and pretend nothing had happened.
  When the snow came I stopped roaming with the mountain herd, the ground was to slushy and cold. I would stay in the wooden tack room bent over the portable heater inhaling the familiar scents of old pine and horse sweat from the tack.
  Or I'd bring Twilight into the stall and run my cold fingers through her thick coat and rehears calling her mine, trying to accustom myself to the odd weight of the word in my mouth, it didn't fit. It jarred my mind.
Mateo had grown in size, so now he and Twilight could not fit in the stall at the same time anymore, he was locked out and would stare through the bars at me accusingly, batting his long lashes very deliberately at me. He was no longer a part of the equation. He was not mine to play with anymore. I was stuck with his skinny angry mother.

One must understand how unhealthy and old Twilight looked at this point, nothing like her current graceful fiery self. She looked twice her age and was listless.

This is not Twilight, but this 26 year old mare resembles the way Twilight looked when I first saw her. Gaunt and hateful and stubborn.
I could no longer use Gretchen's tack, and Risa offered to rent it to me for a monthly fee, along with a 300 dollar charge for board, and request that I come up at least 4 times a week to feed or pay 25 dollars to have someone do it for me.
It was to much, I couldn't afford the price, I couldn't stand the loss of Gretchen, my mentor, my friend.
Gretchen and I reconnected when I came to her asking saddle advice, she taught me how to pick a good saddle, watched me test ride them on Twilight, showed me how to rub my hand along her back under the saddle to feel for spots that might rub her raw or pinch. She showed me a soft bit that Twilight would willingly take in her mouth.
My parents generously purchased all my tack for me, on Christmas day displayed under the tree would be a new black Wintec saddle which a matching bridle and reins, a brush box filled with a curry comb, two different bristle brushes, hoof picks a mane and tail brush, along with new quilted black boots, and a pair of tight riding pants. A new collection of horse gear to use at the new barn Twilight had moved to.
Once I'd ordered all my tack I knew It was time to leave. We'd drifted apart. There was no going back, we were on different paths. There were still some traits from Gretchen that had soaked into me, when the weather turned foul and relationships fell apart Gretchen would get that distant look in her eyes and then move her horses to someplace new. I now felt the need to change, to wander, and now I had a horse to take with me.

Pigeon Toed (Past)

  I don't know if I put the amount of effort I should have into finding a horse, I looked at two horses in person before I gave up. It may have been the right choice, I was inexperienced I didn't know how to judge quality, health, manners, what questions to ask. . .and the month was over.
The threat of Claire taking Twilight still hovered in the air, I remember trying to go for a trail ride with her and Sarah, Sarah bailed last minute so Claire and I went out on the trail, we rode down the mountain pasture past sage brush that stretched out to snag our jeans as we rode by. It was a cool summer evening, a breeze raised goose-bumps on our arms. Claire was quiet, shy even, she'd never been on a trail ride before.
We'd tried to get Gretchen to join us, but she politely declined, looking at her arthritic hands as she spoke. She didn't think she had the dexterity to keep Navarre under control on the trail. So Claire and I went, a pair on two dark bay horses, Claire riding Adam, and myself on Twilight.
I was nervous from the beginning, I didn't know how well Adam would handle once we reached the cows, he was terrified of sheep, so who knew what sort of panic attack he would undergo when he saw the meaty demons charging at him from behind a crooked barbwire fence.
On top of that Twilight had never ridden out on the trail before without Penelope, and I didn't know what she would do without her. I remember I cursed Sarah in my head, and then started a mental rage about her boyfriend.
I talked to Claire as we walked our horses down the slope, explained where we could go, what Sarah and I had seen in the past. I took the role of the leader which was new for me in this situation. Claire was happy to just follow along.
We neared the gate where we'd cross into the cow ranch, and there outside the fence was a sick cow, slumped in the dry summer grass. Bones jutting out under thin ragged skin, and flies buzzing around the stumbling carcass.The cow saw us, and  I expected Adam to panic, instead Twilight exploded into an elaborate round of bucking, her head tucked between her front legs, her long legs ridged, spine curved under the saddle, I'd only been bucked once before, while riding Mark, and he only did a little hop, this was my first full out rodeo, and all I could think was get her head up! Get her head up! Once I pulled her head up, I sat shaking in the saddle.
Claire was in awe.
"I don't think were going for a trail ride I told her," as Twilight began to fight me again, tugging at the reins and dancing under my seat, taunt and ready to burst. Adam had observed Twilight's high-strung display and was now beginning to balk with ever step, even as Claire tried to turn him in circles.
We couldn't ride them back up like this, we were stuck, "Let them go." I said, swinging off Twilight the moment she became still.
Claire swung off without a word, I tossed the reins over Twilight's neck, Claire copied me and we watched our mounts gallop back up the hill, bucking and kicking with wicked delight as they left us bellow in tight riding boots to climb back to the barn.
"You were amazing," Claire said reverently.
I was scared I thought.
We walked together, it was awkward, we discovered that I was younger than Claire by almost two years. Her reverence vanished under a wave of embarrassment. We'd almost had something, but it was now ruined. Even though we walked side by side, we were solitary.
I was almost positive that Claire would not want Twilight after the display she put on that day, logical reasoning pointed to no one wanting the deranged horse, but for some reason my heart would still flutter in panic when I thought of Claire with her perfect blond curls.
I remember going up to the barn alone, in the fall, my fingers cold and pink against the green bars of the stall Twilight was in. I leaned my head against the hard metal and pushed my boots into the wooden door till my toes went numb.
"I don't want you." I told her mater-o-factly as she crunched hay between her teeth, her back to me. "I want Mateo." I felt sick when I said it.
But I had to many strings attached to this horse, to much at stake. I was snarled in a web. I loved Gretchen I didn't want to loose her, I loved the barn, I loved horses, I loved riding, I adored the colt who was slowly becoming an adolescent with the white star on his brow. I loved his frizzy hair that was red at the tips, his big soft eyes. How he was unruly and prideful like his father, bratty and pushy. How he tagged around after Adam like an infatuated puppy, how he flirted mercilessly with Careta the "bad girl", already in adolescence, already promised to his father.
I could imagine what a younger sibling of Mateo's would look like, if it was a filly, she would be darker than her brother, her grulla coat more of a dark bay, but with the same deep gold highlights around her eyes, just like Twilight. She would be leggy, but beautiful with long lashes around her amber eyes. Sassy and sweet unpredictably, I would call her Mockingbird.
She would idolize Mateo, follow him as he dawdled after Adam. All three would eat out of the same hay trough as Twilight, Mateo, and Adam did now.
"I bet you would have been just like her when you were little," I told Twilight softly. I could almost see the young gangly filly Twilight would have been.
"But now look at you, you hate me, and I'm not to fond of you myself."
We were mirrors of each other, and we both hated what we saw, something mad, distrusting, older than their years, crazy, and a loss of potential.
But I was yearning for a horse, I had the horse bug, and I knew this horse. I knew I could not let her go back to the dentist, just like I could never allow myself to return to UNI. We would not fall again, because if we did neither of us would be able to get back up. It was black mail by emotion, I was a puppet tied to this horse through our experiences, through our slow recovery, it was destiny.
In the tack room, I haggled against Risa and Gretchen, this time I was prepared, I would not be cornered, I held my cards, my pride, my tears.
"I'm paying for this myself I can't afford that much, plus she's not worth it."
Gretchen talked to the dentist, he would sale Twilight for 750 dollars, and Gretchen would charge me 500 dollars for her upkeep over the past 3 months.
Before we settled, I wanted a bill of sale directly from the dentist, any history on Twilight, papers if they could be found immunizations, etc. and I wanted a vet to come check Twilight over.
For 75 dollars a vet named Doc Lange came up to see Twilight, he drove a dented and rusted old red ford truck, his skin was leathery and dark from the sun, his wrinkles were few but prominent on his face. His hands were large and gnarled but quiet, even though they looked like roots, they moved like dancers.
He had me walk Twilight out to him, squinted at her from under the brim of his white cowboy hat.
"How old do you think she is," my mother asked, "See she has these white spots in her mane and on her back"
"Gretchen thinks she's between 7 and 8" I added quickly.
He took those hands and pried open Twilight's mouth, "She has her wolf teeth still," he tisked, "should da gott'n those out when she was 2, but I would say Gretchen's right, looks about 8 to me according to her teeth."
He rubbed his hands over her legs, gently prodded her belly, turned her hooves between his palms. And while he did this, he talked about vet school asked about my grades, and I soaked it all in, I was tight everywhere, almost trembling. I wanted Twilight to pass, the inspection, I wanted her to be mine.
"Can I see you ride her?" he said.
I saddled Twilight quickly and rode out onto the gravel and up the hill. Doc Lange watched us, his arms folded as Twilight trotted sideways, effected by my nervous taunt body, up and down the slope.
"Your horse is pigeon toed." he announced.
"What?"
"Her hoof is twisted in, that's why she's move'n sideways"

Mom and I looked simultaneously down at Twilight's front legs, and sure enough she was pigeon toed.
"Is it life threatening? Will she go lame, does she need surgery?" My head was feeling light, I was going to throw up. Something was wrong with her, she couldn't be sold.
"No she was just born that way, its fine."
Gretchen found Twilight's immunization records. There were no papers, The dentist sent me a bill of sale it claimed that Twilight was a 1/2 American Saddlebred, 1/4 Shire, 1/4 thorobred mare born May 25, 2000 with 3 white socks, and a white blaze. Thoroughbred was misspelled, and Twilight only has two white socks. But it was official, he signed Twilight over to me for 750 dollars on November 11 2008. I was in 10th grade, a year before I'd thought my life was over, that depression would kill me, now a year later I had achieved my childhood dream, to own my own horse. The revelation was bitter sweet. 

Preserving Summer

Twilight and I braved the trail for the second time this summer, sort of. I walked her out (as in me walking on the dusty trail ahead of her as she kicks up dirt onto my back in the hundred some odd degree weather) while she grew used to being on the trail without another horse. Huffing and puffing, ears swiveling every which way.

Because of the sudden heat wave there is a layer of ash like dust on the trail, in some areas Twilight sank up to her knees in the dirt. It billowed around us, a pale wash. I almost felt like this is what it would be like after Armageddon, alone wandering in a desert of ash. Despite the dreary picture it was calming to be alone, to just walk along the trail, leading the way.

We made it out to the first gate, which lead to all the places Margrith and I had our most idiotic and delightful adventures. We went through the gate, and I rode Twilight up the trail aways, and saw a creature moving on the trail. The sun hit my eyes just right so I could not see what it was, just something shadowy and low to the ground. Twilight had yet to notice it. I kept my eyes on it pulling up short where the trail divulged into a boulevard of sunflowers. Twilight suddenly became ridged under me, shoulders tense her neck arch, ears pricked focused on the creature ahead.

"Just notice something there Sherlock?" I murmured.

 I didn't want to chance Twilight panicking while I photographed what ever it was, so I swung off and took out my camera. It was then I realized the creature was a badger, and it was then that the badger realized he wasn't alone.

It was almost comical to watch the way his face suddenly constricted into a frown, the way his lip twitched towards a snarl, he looked human. He crept off the trail and crouched in the dried moss, cheat grass, and sage becoming still. He was small for a badger, he had the characteristic bandit face with shadows around his eyes and snout, highlighted by brilliant streaks of white, his coat was unusual, a marble of dark carmel and black. I think he was rather young, because he didn't raise a hair as Twilight and I went by, just coward in the dirt. We only went a few feet past him before I decided I did not wish to continue alone, though I wasn't alone with Twilight.

But I looked at those hills, and the stretch of flat land still stretching ahead of us and I simply felt it did not belong to just Twilight and I, we were incomplete and not fit to tackle the heat, the thick chalky dust, the memories that awaited us.

Even though we turned around then, I didn't feel like we'd failed, or turned back to early, it felt right.

 The badger was gone when we went back, but I noticed something else, among the sunflowers were small violet wild flowers on thin delicate stems, and some sort of brush with long thin branches and sage colored leaves. I stopped Twilight and picked a few of a three and carefully placed them in my saddle bag, I wanted a remnant of our trail riding days and these flowers reminded me of a time when our small pack of four, Margrith, Rosie, Twilight, and myself had ridden out on the trail when the grass was a emerald green and brimming with small groves of wild flowers. It was as close as we ever got to riding on the forbidden green hills we used to enviously gaze at.

 Despite the heat and blaring sun, as I rode Twilight back to the barn there were butterflies, small white cabbage moths, and one brilliant Monarch butterfly flying above the rest.

I rinsed the dust off Twilight and myself before I headed home, and stuck the flowers in a large hard back book. I don't want to say which book, I want to be surprised when sometime latter if life I open the pages and out will fall an entirely different story, neatly pressed, and colorful like a perfect summer.

The Mad Medicine Hat with Hanna Mom and Marie Calendars (Past)

"I don't want an old plug mom, I want a horse with fire in it, I want a challenge." I said with a sassy cock of my head. "Twilight won't even canter, there is hardly a spark in her."
She couldn't argue with me there, Twilight was tired and ornery.
"Plus, I think I want a gelding. Oh mom looook loook at this one!"
After the dust had settled from the trauma, I couldn't help but get excited about the prospect of buying a horse. I was a kid in a candy shop, everything I saw on craigslist looked delicious.
"He's a chestnut, only three but well trained, look at the field he is in mom, oh his beautiful and his names Leo, but his in Oregon."
Mom shook her head at me.
"He is in my budget." I persuaded. I had about two thousand dollars saved in my bank account, I'd been saving up since I was four years old, when I started riding.

Now I was fifteen, eleven years had past, and I felt like I was truly ready.
"How far away?" she asked,

"Three hours, round trip. . ."

"No"

My eyes scanned the web pages, "Oh look mom, here is a Persian Arabian, he is grey just like Pudgy was, that Arabian I rode when I was little.. . oh but I can't afford him."

I had already established with my parents that I wanted to purchase my own horse. 

Pride had stopped my father from admitting to me that he could not afford to buy a horse for me. My mother had come to me instead and told me they could no afford to buy one, not with this economy, not with my dad's business in the state it was in. 

"Its alright," I'd told them, "I don't want you to buy a horse for me, I want it to be my own, and they only way it will be my own is if I buy it, otherwise its more like your horse than mine."

They didn't understand, my dad thought I may be putting up a brave face for what he felt like were his short comings.

I had two reasons for wanting to buy my own horse, one I never shared with my parents. I was still afraid of the control they'd had over me, when they had uprooted me from school, from riding, from my life, and sent me away. I didn't want them to be able to drag me away from my passions again, and I figured if I owned my horse, bought it with my own money, they would have no right to take it away from me.

I told them my second reason.

"Its not like that at all. Gretchen told me about when she found her first horse, a thoroughbred on the race track. I think his name was Chico, she knew he was her horse as soon as she saw him. He was not for sale, but, she didn't care, she went right up to the owner and said "If you ever retire him from the race track, or if he can't race any more, tell me because I want him." She was there when they castrated him, held his head, let him bite her in anger, and still she loved him, he kicked at her when she applied disinfectant to his wounds, and she still adored that horse. And when he was injured and could no longer make a profit as a race horse, she took him from the track. When Gretchen told me this story she said her daughter still had Chico out in California. When I find my horse, when I feel that connection, I want to be able to stand up on my own two feet, and buy that horse."

I know it sounded like a proposal, and in a way it was, horses can live thirty years, I met a mare in Hawaii that was 32 and looked like she had become part of the forest  with moss growing in her spider web white mane. Its a commitment for at least a third of a long life time.
I looked through numerous paints, western pleasure horses, but I wanted an English horse, or a horse that had potential for it.
I found a dark red mare named Scarlet who was in my price range but her owner never called me back.
One day I saw an advertisement for a medicine hat filly, my heart skipped a beat.
I'd grown up feeding on ice cream, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and good wholesome horse fiction. The story of San Domingo The Medicine Hat Stallion one of Marguerite Henry's many horse stories is among one of my personal favorites.The legend that goes with a medicine hat horse, is that they are a sacred horse that will die for their owner, and build a bond with only one person. And now I had a chance to go look at one, possibly own one.
She was young, only three years old, but she'd been started and was coming along well according to the advertisement.
"This could be the one!" I said shrilly to my mother.
Naturally because of the potential of this being a momentous occasion, I wanted to have someone there with me, someone who could help me be level headed, but also share my excitement. So I made a phone call.
"Hey Hanna, are you free next Saturday? Great! Do you want to come see this Medicine hat filly I'm going to go look at with my mother? Fantastic will pick you up around three."
The afternoon did not start off promising, dark rain clouds rolled in bringing a howling wind with it. Autumn leaves and rain thrashed at the windshield of our car.
"I don't think its happening today." Mom said reluctantly.
"No please!" I begged, "lets try and wait it out a bit."
We postponed are meeting with the owner for an hour, and then since the rain stopped, but the clouds still held we decided to chance it. The entire drive out Hanna and I were on the look out for any sliver of blue sky, there was none.
The barn the Medicine hat was at was small but a classic red barn with double doors. She was out back in a large spacious pasture with nooks and crannies, rolling hills, long silvery grass and twisted scrub oak. Hanna, the owner and myself trudged out into the pasture and watched the dainty mare come galloping over a hill with a small herd of other horses. I don't remember what they looked like, I only had eyes for this mare. She was tall and slender, with perfect markings that were well defined between clay brown and white. She even had a bulls eye around one of her crystal blue eyes.
Hanna frowned at me, "Blue eyed horses are bad luck, I don't like them." she said matter-o-factly.
"I think there gorgeous." I retorted.
Gretchen had helped me make a list of things I should ask the owners, since I was new to the market and green behind the ears.  Health records, if the horse loads, papers, pedigree, proof of ownership, any records of work with certain trainers, how they were for the farrier, for a bath, how long had the owner had the horse, how long since the horse had been ridden, how far along was she into her training, any bad habits such as cribbing, bucking, shying etc. . .
"A horse that cribs is a horse not worth buying," Gretchen told me, "Its a hard habit to break, and causes all sorts of health issues."
Following her advice I had avoided a black gelding I saw for sell who seemed perfect till the owner confessed his single vice.
The Medicine Hat filly didn't seem to have any of these issues.
The final piece of advice Gretchen gave me was to have the owner ride the horse first. So I told the rather burly woman that I wanted to see her work with her horse first. That was when things started to fall apart, the mare shied away from the saddle, and when the woman mounted her in the round pen she took the mare through her gaits she suddenly stopped tossed her head and reared straight into the air.
I made eye contact with Hanna, who looked right back at me, and then we both looked at my mother, all three of us were decided, we were not interested in proceeding further.
The woman was in tears, and mumbled something about not get out to ride her enough. I patted her on the shoulder as we left.
"I told you blue eyed horses are bad luck!" Hanna said.
Mother consoled us both by taking us for a warm delicious meal at Marie Calendars.

The next horse my mother and I went and saw by ourselves. She was a beautiful black mare named Mikea, ten years old, with papers. She was a National Show horse (half Arabian half saddlebred) well trained and only 15 hundred dollars, to good to be true.
I talked with her owner on the phone, a girl who was going off to college and simply didn't have time for her anymore. "Trained her myself." she told me proudly.
We went out to the barn and met the girl's father and her. Mikea was already saddle, her mane tossed to one side, neck arched beautifully against the sky. "Oh mom she's gorgeous!" I squealed.
"Don't let them see how excited you are," she cautioned, but she was smiling to, both of us were quite taken with this mare.
We watched the girl ride. She swung on to Mikea's back and the mare went immediately into a trot, this was one hot horse. The girl rode her through water and into a flawless canter.
"Now I did do some gaming with her," the girl mentioned, "if she sees barrels she's going to do them, and there is not much you can do to stop her." She pulled Mikea into a sliding stop.
"Want to have a go?" she asked.
I was trembling as I got on, and the horse new it. She took off with me, into a gallop I couldn't pull her out of. I didn't know what to do to slow her down. I was afraid of this horse.
"I don't know how to ride her." I admitted.
We talked it over for a bit, the college student was willing to give me lessons on how to ride this horse, mother encouraged me to take the offer, but I was scared stiff I didn't want Mikea as my own.
I don't even know what really happened that day, I don't know why I froze on that horse's back, but I knew she was not for me. Clearly I try not to dwell on it to much.
So what horse was? Was I honestly going to exchange one deranged horse for another?
"Well you said you wanted a horse with some spark." Mom reminded me as we drove away.
"That was an inferno."

Sisyphus (Story from the Past)

Twilight was healing, her leg was getting better by the day, twice a day I went up to see her, twice a day we had to work together, she had to trust me and I had to trust her. There was now a sliver of affection when I called her "Old Nag." I brought her treats, apples and baby carrots. I'd sit on the tack room bench eating fig newtons while listening to her munch on hay.
School had started up again which meant I saw Gretchen less than usual. Over the summer I had helped her as a Vet tech assistant at a small clinic. I walked puppies, washed dirty blankets. Helped out with a surgery with a cat who had an abscess on his skull (I passed out after the second tube ((used to drain out puss)) was put through the cat's thick skin). I cleaned out the vet's horse's water trough. I felt as though Gretchen and I were family, we would spend a good part of the day at the clinic then she, Derek, her big clumsy great Dane and I would load into her car and go up to the barn.
One time when we got there I found some baby birds that had fallen into the hay and Gretchen and I drove all the way back down the mountain to leave them at a vet clinic.
I was taking on more responsibilities at the barn, since Gretchen and Resa's budget was becoming strained. I would go up on certain days and feed all the horses and clean out the stalls and pens of manure.

Mark was slowly becoming ill, due to his age. So we took turns watching him and making sure he had all the alfalfa he could possibly eat. He even got his own paddock to himself. It was heart breaking to watch the old scholar slowly become frail, but it was even harder to watch Gretchen. She could not accept that age was taking him from her, she did countless blood test, and was threatening to have the vet come up about every other week to take a look at him, even though we all knew she couldn't afford it. When ever I came up to the barn and saw him laying down, I'd hold my breath and run out and check on him to make sure he was still breathing.
Elfie left us, with the end of summer her owner had come and collected her. Gretchen and Resa needed more income so Gretchen started given more lessons, even though now she only had one school horse, Adam.  Sarah's friend Daren started boarding her horse at the barn, a petite Arabian mare named Barbie. Sarah and I were drifting apart, she and I had not been trail riding for a while, something always seemed to pop up last minute, or Sarah was spending time with her boyfriend. But now with Daren at the barn I was sure I'd see more of her, and I was right. She called to ask me to come on a trail ride with Daren and herself as soon as Twilight was sound.
Once Gretchen gave me the clear Twilight and I saddled up for our first ride in a month. I was tickled to be riding with two other girls on the trail, but as we wandered down the hill towards the gate to the cow pens, I began to realize a new circle had been woven, and I was not in it. Sarah tried to include me, but she and Daren just had so much in common, that it was difficult. They shared stories of cantering through the mountain pasture bare back on their mares, something I couldn't do because I was not skilled enough, and Twilight wouldn't canter.
I was bitter about us growing apart, I remember Sarah envying me for being the courageous one, the first to canter bareback on Sting so many summers ago. Where had the time gone? Daren chattered about the bond she had with Barbie and Sarah quickly joined in with the story of how she found Penelope after riding three horses. "Something just clicked, and I new she was the one!" Sarah beamed. "I'm really excited soon we are going to start jumper training!" she added.
We reached the cow pen and as usual the beast rushed at us in a mad frenzy, one cow in the back of the herd hobbled after the rest, his front leg swollen with pus. "Oh that poor cow!" Sarah cried.
I knew that kind of wound, I had seen it on a cat just a few weeks ago, "He's got an abscess." I said.
Silents followed, "Is she like really smart or something?" Daren asked pronouncing 'smart' as though the word had spoiled on her tongue.
"Yeah!" Sarah had said shaking her head at me, beautiful hair bouncing round her freckled face. It was then that I noticed that both girls had immaculate manicured nails, eyeshadow accenting their thick black lashes, lip gloss shimmering on pursed lips. I realized something had changed, Sarah had grown up, she had reached adult hood, while I was still in Never land.I was not polished, a hair doo for me was a pony tail, makeup even if I had wanted to wear it would of made my acne covered face even more blotchy. Social life was not as important to me a grades.
 I wanted desperately to go back to our vigilante games in the hills, but obviously that path had closed forever. Not only that, but she and Daren were part of a club, they owned their own horses, I didn't know what that was likes I didn't know the feeling one felt when they saw a horse perk their ears in the pasture and to know that that horse was perking their ears just for that person. What was it like to see a horse and say the intimate word 'mine.'
I was falling down a hill, I'd lost my purchase, tumbling away from Sarah was only the start.
In the end it really didn't matter, Penelope went away for jump training, so Sarah couldn't ride anyways, she wasn't interested in Carita or Lacaro. So she just went and spent more time with her boyfriend.
Daren lost interest in horses, and ended up selling Barbie.
Eventually Penelope came back, but the farrier shooed her wrong and she became lame in her front two hooves and to wear special rubber encased shoes for three months before she could be ridden again, but by then I would already be gone.

It was raining, but that wasn't going to stop Gretchen, Resa, or me from going up to the barn. Resa's trainer was coming all the way from Sun Valley to work with her and Carita.
Gretchen and I sat huddled on camp chair as the rain came down in sheets, and the world was covered with a layer of steel and cold. We bundled in rain slickers, worked our toes in our boots and fingers in our gloves to stop them from freezing, but still Mary road, undeterred by the rain, smiling and talking optimistically about the intelligent red mare, and chiding Resa for not riding her enough. I liked Mary, she was a wiry woman, and tough, but happy.
She talked to me while watching Resa ride, her eyes never leaving them, even though she was conversing with me. "I have a track at my stable," she said. "When I was working with Navarre I'd take him out and let him run, he loved it!" she said.
"I didn't know you worked with Navarre," I said, glancing at Gretchen who frowned to herself.
"Oh yes," Mary said, "Now I've got his son Noah, and his such a bright boy I like him."
Gretchen inquired about Noah, and it was not hard to see how protective she was of him, and how much she wanted him back.
I briefly wondered, if she would ever consider letting me have Mateo, but the thought quickly fluttered away.
"You know," Mary said turning back to me, "In the summer time I give one student the opportunity to come train with me. You would live in a trailer out back, and work with the horses and me every day. Of course I'd allow you to bring your own horse with you. Gretchen seems to think that you would like such an opportunity."
I turned to Gretchen speechless, I didn't know she though so highly of me.
"Gosh I'd love to!" I said
"You could take the mare," Resa said, riding over to us.
"Twilight? Why?" I asked.

I remember it was night, we'd just finished cleaning, up the stalls and feeding, and the tension was nearly tangible. It seemed to crackle in the air. Gretchen was silent, and Resa's mouth was firm. We had gone to the tack room and Resa yanked open the fridge and grabbed the box of fig newtons. "Cookie" she offered coldly, "No thanks." I wasn't sure where this was going.
Gretchen spoke first. "Gabbie we've had Twilight over 3 months now, and the cost of keeping her is getting to be to much. The dentist has not paid me a cent for her feed or board."
"We saved that horse for you," Resa butted in, "There have been several opportunities where we could of had other people ride her but we saved her for you."
"I never asked for you to!" I snapped suddenly feeling like an animal trapped in a corner, suddenly seeing where this conversation was going.
"I never said I wanted her, I never said I would own her." I added.
Gretchen suddenly looked crush, I hadn't realized it was her plan from the start that I would own Twilight, that she had picked us out to be a pair from the beginning, though I should have seen the signs.
"What about me, Gabbie? I've put so much work into her, who's going to reimburse me. She has potential, she could be a great horse, I'd even contemplated keeping her as a school horse if I didn't think you'd want her."
The furious part of my mind screamed oh yeah like you could turn Twilight into a school horse, she doesn't even canter. You can't even get her to canter.
"Why do you think we only has you ride her?" Resa asked incredulously. "Why do you think we had you name her, take care of her?We need the money for all the work that's gone into that mare, and she's been practically your horse."
"You think this economy has been easy on my family?" I said, "I never asked for any of this."
"Oh you think this economies been easy on us!" Resa said. "My husbands rel estate business has not been doing well either, and we've invested a lot into the horse riding business to!"
"Regardless, Twilight is not my horse, neither of you asked me if I ever even wanted her, and I can't believe you've waited till now to corner me, a girl against two women and try to railroad me into this!"
"Its okay!" Gretchen said, her voice rising and creeping on the edge of tears, "I have another rider, her name is Claire, I could easily sell Twilight to her."
I don't know why but that felt like a cold slap to the face, it was like Gretchen had given up on me in that instant, moved her devotions onward to Claire. I'd seen Claire ride Adam, she was good, she was very good, a little timid but that could change. She was pretty to, angelic in appearance, golden perfect curls and light blue eyes, on thin creamy skin. 
"Claire did say she was in the market." Gretchen added.

"What if I don't want Twilight, what if I want Mateo?" I shot at her, and I knew that wound hurt, I knew then that Gretchen wouldn't give up Mateo, he was part of Navarre's legacy, the only part she had currently, and he was now a treasure she would never ever let go.
I was now on a role, "I don't even know if Twilight is healed all the way yet, I was reading up on puncture wounds and I read that some wounds near the joint will make a horse lame for life! I don't want my first horse to be unridable."
"That's another thing," Gretchen suddenly burst, "That hurt the most, why don't you trust. You don't trust what I told you about Twilight, about treating her wound, you go behind my back and add different treatments."
"Is it a crime to do a little research! I just wanted to learn what was going on with her!" I snapped. We were all on the verge of tears now. This was an issue of trust, of harbored emotions but more than anything, this was finances, money was tearing us apart, the worries of not having enough to get by. The economy had just started its downward spiral and everyone was feeling it. My parent's had done their best during my life to shelter me from economy, from our status as people of wealth versus some of my not so fortunate friends. But even my horse back riding lessons were straining our ever shrinking budget, suddenly two lessons a week was a luxury we could not afford, and I began to see and understand of our standard of living, of the state of the economy, of the adult world.
My parents were furious that Resa and Gretchen had cornered me, my mother went and screamed at them, and they screamed back at her, then my dad went in a settled the situation, or reduced the boiling tempers of three tearful, upset women as much as he could.
He and I sat in the truck looking at the barn. "Do you want her?" he finally asked, after we'd sat in silence for a while. "I don't know!" I cried, "I honestly don't know. She's not what I pictured my first horse to be, I love Mateo more than I love Twilight, but I don't want her to go back to Chad (the dentist) I couldn't live with myself if they sent her back to that Hell because they can't afford to keep her." I sobbed.
"They won't send her back to the dentist," Dad tried to sooth me, but I was inconsolable.
"And I don't want to loose Gretchen dad, she my friend, she's like family to me, I know mom thinks she's a flake, but I don't know what I would do without her, without Adam, without Mateo, if I say no to Twilight what if I loose them forever? I can't live with that they are my key to the horse world. They are the keys to my sanity, the only reason I'm not still in UNI right now is because of these horses!" It was a hard subject to breech, but it was true, my sanity was dangling in the balance.
After I'd had a good cry, and my breath was still hitching I said, "I want a chance to look around, see what else is out there, on the market. If they sell her why I'm looking fine, then we weren't meant to be."
Dad went back into the tack room and talked to Resa and Gretchen for a bit, they all calmed down enough to agree that what they all wanted was what was important for me to be happy. I had a month to decide, my parents would pay the board for that month while I looked to see what I wanted.
But I was now troubled, I'd been looking at horse advertisements in the paper ever since I was old enough to read, I was constantly browsing classifieds Mustangs, Arabians, Quarter Horses juicy, tantalising ads for my dream horse. Any horse I rode I could picture as my own, Miss Ali, Sting, Adam, and Mark I could have seen myself owning any of them at one point or another, but never with Twilight. Never with this worn out cranky horse who looked so old, so tired with life, but suddenly she was on the edge of being taken away from me. And the horse I thought I had no feelings for was now a heavy weight in my mind, something I wasn't sure if I was willing to loose.
Now my dream of owning a horse, something I'd waited for my whole life had to be condensed into a month of searching, of racing time of stress, of fighting a battle I was sure I had already lost.

English vs. Western

The rivalry of Capulet Montague proportions which type of riding do I prefer, English or Western? I have to say I prefer English. However, for long trail rides into the desert I like the security and storage of the Western saddle.

Planning

Today I went out to the barn earlier than usual (10:00) it was nice and cool.
Baily a black Labrador came up to me as soon as I pulled in, limping on three paws. Baily is technically Tish's dog, but she lives out at the barn, so she has sort of become every one's pet.
 She had a goat head in her pad, which she let me take out. She's a timid dog and I never knows if she is going to flee or come padding up to me.
David was out riding and he thanked me for taking the weed out of her foot, which caught me off guard, first because I didn't know he was watching, and second because I was pretty sure anyone would have done the same.
   I didn't bother with the English saddle, I just decided to ride bareback again, it went well. Its more of a challenge riding bareback, and I like being able to feel Twilight respond to my cues instantly.

After riding bareback for a bit I went and dragged out my western saddle.
Its an old saddle, I received it as a generous Christmas present from my employers, the Borens, two years ago. I love it, I had to replace the girth with a more modern rubber lined on, and the ties that held the stirrups to the stirrup leather and fender were frayed and broken so I found a pair of pine green forest shoe laces to replace them.  Needless to say adjusting the stirrup length is an arduous process.
Hanna was the last person to ride in the saddle, and she is taller than I am, so I  had to shorten the stirrups twice before they fit my legs properly again.
  The space between the pommel and cantle was a snug fit, and I had to shift around a bit before I could sit comfortably in it. I know I looked ridiculous when I asked Twilight to canter, but I was secretly pleased, she did not spook at the two saddle bags gently slapping against her back.
  I want to take pictures before I go away to college of all the places Margrith and I went trail riding. Its going to be a challenge and a long ride. I'll need water, food, and my camera and phone, plus some treats and safety precautions for Twilight and myself, but I'm confident. A little more planning and we will be able to head out. Wish me luck!

Bareback Ride

I don't know why but today I was desperate to get away. I wanted to be anywhere but here, I was thinking of packing up the car and going for a day trip somewhere maybe a small near by town, someplace where I could wander around pointlessly, or hike into the back country.
  Instead I went out to the horse. Twilight was a fidgety mess, dancing away from me, spooking at little wind flurries. Refusing to stand still.
I felt tired, almost sick with a longing to just feel a release from the tight metal cord knotted in my gut. I saddled up and we rode and rode, in the arena of course, even though I could look out and see the trail, see a potential escape. There was not a cloud in the sky, and the wind was keeping the temperature cool. But to go out alone was suicide, and there was no one around to go with me.
The entire ride was I fight, me in the saddle, sinking into the hot faux leather, milking the reins, Twilight pulling the bit and over reacting to everything. We were mechanical, jerky, irritated and simply not enjoying ourselves. Even cantering, which usually gives me so much pleasure was a strain, fighting for control, for the perfect showman look, trying to wrestle into perfection.
Finally I had it, something in my mind just snapped and a voice in my head started to yell at me By god, your 18, your going into college. What the Hell are you doing? Not having fun riding with a saddle and spurs and working your horse today? Well its Summer isn't it?! Can't have a little fun? Little miss ridged. Whose rules are you following? Your in charge idiot. If you want to do something fun change things up a bit!!!!

So I rode Twilight back to the trailer, dumped the spurs and English saddle and threw on the bareback pad. I went back to the arena. Of course now Kade one of the showman instructors was there, a master of perfect show riding, but I realized I really didn't care. I asked for the canter, and Twilight leaped into it, at first it was not collected, we were all over the place, taking turns to tight, dropping shoulders. But then we leveled out, and I felt like I was laughing inside. I could feel Twilight moving under me, the glorious three beat canter rocking my body, and Twilight not fighting me for the bit but a connection between my hands and her mouth that kept us both in check. She was going faster than was proper, but I wasn't really going for showmanship, the English saddle was gone, so primeness could go out the window with it.  We were riding to have fun.
Around and around we cantered, and I began to have the feeling of freedom that I use to have on the trail. It felt great. I felt connected to my horse, I felt reconnected to myself.
The day just improved, an older man with a steel brown head of hair and beard, who sounded like Jeff Bridges as Marshal Rooster Cogburn from True Grit came out to give his two grandson's rides on his round Kiger mustang mare.
I caught Bob the fat goat sleeping under the trailer.
I laughed as Twilight discovered her reflection on the side of the metal trailer next to us, watched her flick her tail bemused at the creature cocking its head back at her.
When I gave Twilight her bath, she flicked her wet tail at me and sprayed me with a pleasant shower of cold water droplets. 
Sometimes the easiest way to unwind is to strip away the complex things and get down to the purpose, what matters, just take away the show and technicalities and go for a bareback ride.