I didn't mind the cold shoulder Risa gave me, I didn't know her well enough to really care about her opinion. What hurt was the control she had over Gretchen, Risa was supporting Gretchen, her expenses, the ever growing vet bills of Mark, the hay for her horses.
We were at a stale mate, Gretchen and I hardly spoke to each other, only when it was necessary about little things. But there were moments when her blue eyes would meet my green ones, and we'd see the parts of ourselves that were similar, our shared pain, but also the hurt we had inflicted on each other, we spoke volumes in that moment, but then turn away and pretend nothing had happened.
When the snow came I stopped roaming with the mountain herd, the ground was to slushy and cold. I would stay in the wooden tack room bent over the portable heater inhaling the familiar scents of old pine and horse sweat from the tack.
Or I'd bring Twilight into the stall and run my cold fingers through her thick coat and rehears calling her mine, trying to accustom myself to the odd weight of the word in my mouth, it didn't fit. It jarred my mind.
Mateo had grown in size, so now he and Twilight could not fit in the stall at the same time anymore, he was locked out and would stare through the bars at me accusingly, batting his long lashes very deliberately at me. He was no longer a part of the equation. He was not mine to play with anymore. I was stuck with his skinny angry mother.
One must understand how unhealthy and old Twilight looked at this point, nothing like her current graceful fiery self. She looked twice her age and was listless.
I could no longer use Gretchen's tack, and Risa offered to rent it to me for a monthly fee, along with a 300 dollar charge for board, and request that I come up at least 4 times a week to feed or pay 25 dollars to have someone do it for me.
It was to much, I couldn't afford the price, I couldn't stand the loss of Gretchen, my mentor, my friend.
Gretchen and I reconnected when I came to her asking saddle advice, she taught me how to pick a good saddle, watched me test ride them on Twilight, showed me how to rub my hand along her back under the saddle to feel for spots that might rub her raw or pinch. She showed me a soft bit that Twilight would willingly take in her mouth.
My parents generously purchased all my tack for me, on Christmas day displayed under the tree would be a new black Wintec saddle which a matching bridle and reins, a brush box filled with a curry comb, two different bristle brushes, hoof picks a mane and tail brush, along with new quilted black boots, and a pair of tight riding pants. A new collection of horse gear to use at the new barn Twilight had moved to.
Once I'd ordered all my tack I knew It was time to leave. We'd drifted apart. There was no going back, we were on different paths. There were still some traits from Gretchen that had soaked into me, when the weather turned foul and relationships fell apart Gretchen would get that distant look in her eyes and then move her horses to someplace new. I now felt the need to change, to wander, and now I had a horse to take with me.
