The threat of Claire taking Twilight still hovered in the air, I remember trying to go for a trail ride with her and Sarah, Sarah bailed last minute so Claire and I went out on the trail, we rode down the mountain pasture past sage brush that stretched out to snag our jeans as we rode by. It was a cool summer evening, a breeze raised goose-bumps on our arms. Claire was quiet, shy even, she'd never been on a trail ride before.
We'd tried to get Gretchen to join us, but she politely declined, looking at her arthritic hands as she spoke. She didn't think she had the dexterity to keep Navarre under control on the trail. So Claire and I went, a pair on two dark bay horses, Claire riding Adam, and myself on Twilight.
I was nervous from the beginning, I didn't know how well Adam would handle once we reached the cows, he was terrified of sheep, so who knew what sort of panic attack he would undergo when he saw the meaty demons charging at him from behind a crooked barbwire fence.
On top of that Twilight had never ridden out on the trail before without Penelope, and I didn't know what she would do without her. I remember I cursed Sarah in my head, and then started a mental rage about her boyfriend.
I talked to Claire as we walked our horses down the slope, explained where we could go, what Sarah and I had seen in the past. I took the role of the leader which was new for me in this situation. Claire was happy to just follow along.
We neared the gate where we'd cross into the cow ranch, and there outside the fence was a sick cow, slumped in the dry summer grass. Bones jutting out under thin ragged skin, and flies buzzing around the stumbling carcass.The cow saw us, and I expected Adam to panic, instead Twilight exploded into an elaborate round of bucking, her head tucked between her front legs, her long legs ridged, spine curved under the saddle, I'd only been bucked once before, while riding Mark, and he only did a little hop, this was my first full out rodeo, and all I could think was get her head up! Get her head up! Once I pulled her head up, I sat shaking in the saddle.
Claire was in awe.
"I don't think were going for a trail ride I told her," as Twilight began to fight me again, tugging at the reins and dancing under my seat, taunt and ready to burst. Adam had observed Twilight's high-strung display and was now beginning to balk with ever step, even as Claire tried to turn him in circles.
We couldn't ride them back up like this, we were stuck, "Let them go." I said, swinging off Twilight the moment she became still.
Claire swung off without a word, I tossed the reins over Twilight's neck, Claire copied me and we watched our mounts gallop back up the hill, bucking and kicking with wicked delight as they left us bellow in tight riding boots to climb back to the barn.
"You were amazing," Claire said reverently.
I was scared I thought.
We walked together, it was awkward, we discovered that I was younger than Claire by almost two years. Her reverence vanished under a wave of embarrassment. We'd almost had something, but it was now ruined. Even though we walked side by side, we were solitary.
I was almost positive that Claire would not want Twilight after the display she put on that day, logical reasoning pointed to no one wanting the deranged horse, but for some reason my heart would still flutter in panic when I thought of Claire with her perfect blond curls.
I remember going up to the barn alone, in the fall, my fingers cold and pink against the green bars of the stall Twilight was in. I leaned my head against the hard metal and pushed my boots into the wooden door till my toes went numb.
"I don't want you." I told her mater-o-factly as she crunched hay between her teeth, her back to me. "I want Mateo." I felt sick when I said it.
But I had to many strings attached to this horse, to much at stake. I was snarled in a web. I loved Gretchen I didn't want to loose her, I loved the barn, I loved horses, I loved riding, I adored the colt who was slowly becoming an adolescent with the white star on his brow. I loved his frizzy hair that was red at the tips, his big soft eyes. How he was unruly and prideful like his father, bratty and pushy. How he tagged around after Adam like an infatuated puppy, how he flirted mercilessly with Careta the "bad girl", already in adolescence, already promised to his father.
I could imagine what a younger sibling of Mateo's would look like, if it was a filly, she would be darker than her brother, her grulla coat more of a dark bay, but with the same deep gold highlights around her eyes, just like Twilight. She would be leggy, but beautiful with long lashes around her amber eyes. Sassy and sweet unpredictably, I would call her Mockingbird.
She would idolize Mateo, follow him as he dawdled after Adam. All three would eat out of the same hay trough as Twilight, Mateo, and Adam did now.
"I bet you would have been just like her when you were little," I told Twilight softly. I could almost see the young gangly filly Twilight would have been.
"But now look at you, you hate me, and I'm not to fond of you myself."
We were mirrors of each other, and we both hated what we saw, something mad, distrusting, older than their years, crazy, and a loss of potential.
But I was yearning for a horse, I had the horse bug, and I knew this horse. I knew I could not let her go back to the dentist, just like I could never allow myself to return to UNI. We would not fall again, because if we did neither of us would be able to get back up. It was black mail by emotion, I was a puppet tied to this horse through our experiences, through our slow recovery, it was destiny.
In the tack room, I haggled against Risa and Gretchen, this time I was prepared, I would not be cornered, I held my cards, my pride, my tears.
"I'm paying for this myself I can't afford that much, plus she's not worth it."
Gretchen talked to the dentist, he would sale Twilight for 750 dollars, and Gretchen would charge me 500 dollars for her upkeep over the past 3 months.
Before we settled, I wanted a bill of sale directly from the dentist, any history on Twilight, papers if they could be found immunizations, etc. and I wanted a vet to come check Twilight over.
For 75 dollars a vet named Doc Lange came up to see Twilight, he drove a dented and rusted old red ford truck, his skin was leathery and dark from the sun, his wrinkles were few but prominent on his face. His hands were large and gnarled but quiet, even though they looked like roots, they moved like dancers.
He had me walk Twilight out to him, squinted at her from under the brim of his white cowboy hat.
"How old do you think she is," my mother asked, "See she has these white spots in her mane and on her back"
"Gretchen thinks she's between 7 and 8" I added quickly.
He took those hands and pried open Twilight's mouth, "She has her wolf teeth still," he tisked, "should da gott'n those out when she was 2, but I would say Gretchen's right, looks about 8 to me according to her teeth."
He rubbed his hands over her legs, gently prodded her belly, turned her hooves between his palms. And while he did this, he talked about vet school asked about my grades, and I soaked it all in, I was tight everywhere, almost trembling. I wanted Twilight to pass, the inspection, I wanted her to be mine.
"Can I see you ride her?" he said.
I saddled Twilight quickly and rode out onto the gravel and up the hill. Doc Lange watched us, his arms folded as Twilight trotted sideways, effected by my nervous taunt body, up and down the slope.
"Your horse is pigeon toed." he announced.
"What?"
"Her hoof is twisted in, that's why she's move'n sideways"
"Is it life threatening? Will she go lame, does she need surgery?" My head was feeling light, I was going to throw up. Something was wrong with her, she couldn't be sold.
"No she was just born that way, its fine."
Gretchen found Twilight's immunization records. There were no papers, The dentist sent me a bill of sale it claimed that Twilight was a 1/2 American Saddlebred, 1/4 Shire, 1/4 thorobred mare born May 25, 2000 with 3 white socks, and a white blaze. Thoroughbred was misspelled, and Twilight only has two white socks. But it was official, he signed Twilight over to me for 750 dollars on November 11 2008. I was in 10th grade, a year before I'd thought my life was over, that depression would kill me, now a year later I had achieved my childhood dream, to own my own horse. The revelation was bitter sweet.
